You know that quote by Henry David Thoreau (I read)? "Time is but a stream I go a'fishin in." If I could adapt that quote to my personal needs it would be more like "Time is a freaking gigantic lake, 1 bajillion feet deep, that I am drowning in, and there is probably an evil monster at the bottom." Yep. Time seems to move so slowly lately. Maybe it's because I am anxiously awaiting all the decisions from the colleges to which I applied, or maybe it's because I can't wait for Christmas to be over, so that I don't have to work as much (time at work moves slower than a snail in a swimming pool of dried concrete). Maybe it's because I put a count down to graduation on my phone (179 days left by the way). It could also just be that my watch is slower than normal watches... who am I kidding, I don't wear a watch. Maybe it's my crazy Allied Health teacher that makes every waking minute I have to be with her more painful than someone who keeps poking your eyeball with a jagged toothpick (sorry, that was graphic, but at least you know my pain). It could also be this paper that has been hanging over me for four days and I still don't even know what I am supposed to be writing about. Could be the fact that I just ate lunch and really want a siesta, but America is stupid and doesn't believe in nationwide naps (new plan: move to Spain). A big contributor is probably my habit of keeping my inbox open, waiting for an email... sometimes I forget that I have no friends. I wear scrubs to school everyday now, so the days blend together... that might have something to do with it.
I don't know, but for someone who walks really fast, my life seems to be moving really slow.
Showing posts with label Kohl's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kohl's. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Behind the Register
Since my last post about my fantastical job, I have moved departments... I guess that's what you'd call it. Anyways, I now work the cash register, which is 2,765,386,345 times (exactly) better than working on the sales floor (I guess the only reason behind this is that I don't have to clean up after people, which I barely do for myself).
So, let me let you in on a secret:
The sole purpose of the check out at Kohl's is to persuade every customer that does not have a Kohl's Charge Card that they will immediately have a seizure, go into cardiac arrest, or spend too much money (possibly a nasty combination of all three) if they do not sign up for one right then and there.
So being the sales monkey that I now am, I have devised a few simple tactics to disillusion (scare, whatever) unsuspecting customers into signing up for a Charge Card.
Step 1: Politely ask if their purchase will be on a Kohl's Charge.
This will immediately weed out a customer who does have one, making the process a lot easier. If they say no, proceed to step 2.
Step 2: Spew the benefits.
You never know which Charge Card benefit will hit the customers interest button so you have to swiftly "spew" them all. Preferably in one breath because not only is it impressive, but time efficient. The one that mostly appeals to people is the instant gratification of the 20% discount on their current purchase. Sometimes I even do mental math (lol wut?) and tell them how much money that is.
Step 3: Cry.
Sometimes there are the customer that just need a little push. Crying is always an option, although I have never done this one (or any of the suggestions to come).
Step 4: Run.
Grab all of their merchandise and run across the store... do not give it back until they agree to open a Kohl's Charge.
Step 5: Cry and run.
Combine step 3 and 4 and add some flails while you run for drama.
Step 6: Follow.
(There is literally a guy who does this where I work) Follow a customer around while they shop and bother the heck out of them until they give in so that your creepy butt will just go away.
Step 7: Pity party.
Inform them that the management keeps track of how many credit apps you get every month and inform you when you are performing under par (add a little step 3 for drama).
Step 8: Indifference.
If after all of your haggling they still refuse quip back with something like "Well, I didn't want you to sign up for one anyway." or... "Oh, good for you now you're probably gonna get a belly ache," (alter that one to the situation) (add some step 4 for drama).
So, let me let you in on a secret:
The sole purpose of the check out at Kohl's is to persuade every customer that does not have a Kohl's Charge Card that they will immediately have a seizure, go into cardiac arrest, or spend too much money (possibly a nasty combination of all three) if they do not sign up for one right then and there.
So being the sales monkey that I now am, I have devised a few simple tactics to disillusion (scare, whatever) unsuspecting customers into signing up for a Charge Card.
Step 1: Politely ask if their purchase will be on a Kohl's Charge.
This will immediately weed out a customer who does have one, making the process a lot easier. If they say no, proceed to step 2.
Step 2: Spew the benefits.
You never know which Charge Card benefit will hit the customers interest button so you have to swiftly "spew" them all. Preferably in one breath because not only is it impressive, but time efficient. The one that mostly appeals to people is the instant gratification of the 20% discount on their current purchase. Sometimes I even do mental math (lol wut?) and tell them how much money that is.
Step 3: Cry.
Sometimes there are the customer that just need a little push. Crying is always an option, although I have never done this one (or any of the suggestions to come).
Step 4: Run.
Grab all of their merchandise and run across the store... do not give it back until they agree to open a Kohl's Charge.
Step 5: Cry and run.
Combine step 3 and 4 and add some flails while you run for drama.
Step 6: Follow.
(There is literally a guy who does this where I work) Follow a customer around while they shop and bother the heck out of them until they give in so that your creepy butt will just go away.
Step 7: Pity party.
Inform them that the management keeps track of how many credit apps you get every month and inform you when you are performing under par (add a little step 3 for drama).
Step 8: Indifference.
If after all of your haggling they still refuse quip back with something like "Well, I didn't want you to sign up for one anyway." or... "Oh, good for you now you're probably gonna get a belly ache," (alter that one to the situation) (add some step 4 for drama).
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
An Introduction to a Life in Retail
I recently got a job at Kohl's (wooo go me! I'm all profesh and responsible now... makin' bank... not really). Entonces, I have been introduced to the wonderful world of retail.
Never have I ever wanted to kill people so much...
I have come to the realization that there is no hope for the general public. They are all very stupid.
I work on the floor for the men's, misses, and juniors departments. Which means I clean out dressing rooms, hang stuff back up that has fallen, and so on and such wise (<-- you like that? sounds really intelligent doesn't it? yeah I know).
The teenage girls are the worst. They leave everything in the dressing room. Does the rack that says "We'll put it back for you." mean nothing? Idiots. OPEN YOUR EYES. Look, it's so fancy, you don't even have to fold it back up, not that you would. Then there are the chicks who go into the dressing rooms with entire outfits, (I mean like shoes, earrings, and lingerie included) hate everything, and leave it in a dressing room that looks like Fat Man (learn some history) was dropped in there. Like, jeans left on the floor perfectly scrunched down to be stepped out of.
Women are terrible too. At least they put it back on the rack. But since every woman in the world is concerned with her size, she takes in three of every piece of clothing in a different size. There are the incredibly lazy women that put stuff back on the hanger inside out. THANKS FOR NOTHING. Now I have to do more than before. Some people think they are being helpful and try to put the clothes back, but when they can't remember where they got it from they shove all of their lost little clothes on one rack IN A DIFFERENT SECTION. For real?
Men. I LOVE MEN. They come in they get what they need and they leave. The section is spotless, the clothes on the go back rack are all perfectly hung back on the hanger, and they don't try on underwear (........yep).
So let me caution you... next time you go shopping, at least at Kohl's, please at least put the clothes on the go back rack. Or you might get eaten by a hateful Sales Associate.
Never have I ever wanted to kill people so much...
I have come to the realization that there is no hope for the general public. They are all very stupid.
I work on the floor for the men's, misses, and juniors departments. Which means I clean out dressing rooms, hang stuff back up that has fallen, and so on and such wise (<-- you like that? sounds really intelligent doesn't it? yeah I know).
The teenage girls are the worst. They leave everything in the dressing room. Does the rack that says "We'll put it back for you." mean nothing? Idiots. OPEN YOUR EYES. Look, it's so fancy, you don't even have to fold it back up, not that you would. Then there are the chicks who go into the dressing rooms with entire outfits, (I mean like shoes, earrings, and lingerie included) hate everything, and leave it in a dressing room that looks like Fat Man (learn some history) was dropped in there. Like, jeans left on the floor perfectly scrunched down to be stepped out of.
Women are terrible too. At least they put it back on the rack. But since every woman in the world is concerned with her size, she takes in three of every piece of clothing in a different size. There are the incredibly lazy women that put stuff back on the hanger inside out. THANKS FOR NOTHING. Now I have to do more than before. Some people think they are being helpful and try to put the clothes back, but when they can't remember where they got it from they shove all of their lost little clothes on one rack IN A DIFFERENT SECTION. For real?
Men. I LOVE MEN. They come in they get what they need and they leave. The section is spotless, the clothes on the go back rack are all perfectly hung back on the hanger, and they don't try on underwear (........yep).
So let me caution you... next time you go shopping, at least at Kohl's, please at least put the clothes on the go back rack. Or you might get eaten by a hateful Sales Associate.
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