Why I Worry About Myself

Sometimes I do really weird things that make me worried about myself. Like here are a few things that happened recently...

I had a dream that I went for a run.... and that wasn't the worst part, there were severed heads all over the place. I just ran around them and stuff.

Walking into the grocery store the other day, an elderly lady popped her trunk with her fab from across the parking lot and I was standing close to her car and I thought... "What if I just hopped in her trunk and shut it..." who thinks things like that?

The other day I uttered the words "You is ashy."

I have absolutely no body temperature regulation. I sweat with a jacket on and freeze with it off. Like get it together hypothalamus.

I refer to explicit parts of my brain.

I have been craving vegetables.

I still don't really have any friends at school, like I have people I sort of talk to in class but I don't have any FRIEND friends.

I drank a mocha two days in a row... that probably means bad things right? I don't know.

I am always tired.

I kinda of eat pizza like everyday at school. That might contribute to the vegetable cravings.

Deep Philosphical Thought for the Day

You know that quote by Henry David Thoreau (I read)? "Time is but a stream I go a'fishin in." If I could adapt that quote to my personal needs it would be more like "Time is a freaking gigantic lake, 1 bajillion feet deep, that I am drowning in, and there is probably an evil monster at the bottom." Yep. Time seems to move so slowly lately. Maybe it's because I am anxiously awaiting all the decisions from the colleges to which I applied, or maybe it's because I can't wait for Christmas to be over, so that I don't have to work as much (time at work moves slower than a snail in a swimming pool of dried concrete). Maybe it's because I put a count down to graduation on my phone (179 days left by the way). It could also just be that my watch is slower than normal watches... who am I kidding, I don't wear a watch.  Maybe it's my crazy Allied Health teacher that makes every waking minute I have to be with her more painful than someone who keeps poking your eyeball with a jagged toothpick (sorry, that was graphic, but at least you know my pain). It could also be this paper that has been hanging over me for four days and I still don't even know what I am supposed to be writing about. Could be the fact that I just ate lunch and really want a siesta, but America is stupid and doesn't believe in nationwide naps (new plan: move to Spain). A big contributor is probably my habit of keeping my inbox open, waiting for an email... sometimes I forget that I have no friends. I wear scrubs to school everyday now, so the days blend together... that might have something to do with it.

I don't know, but for someone who walks really fast, my life seems to be moving really slow.

Behind the Register

Since my last post about my fantastical job, I have moved departments... I guess that's what you'd call it. Anyways, I now work the cash register, which is 2,765,386,345 times (exactly) better than working on the sales floor (I guess the only reason behind this is that I don't have to clean up after people, which I barely do for myself).

So, let me let you in on a secret:

The sole purpose of the check out at Kohl's is to persuade every customer that does not have a Kohl's Charge Card that they will immediately have a seizure, go into cardiac arrest, or spend too much money (possibly a nasty combination of all three) if they do not sign up for one right then and there.

So being the sales monkey that I now am, I have devised a few simple tactics to disillusion (scare, whatever) unsuspecting customers into signing up for a Charge Card.

Step 1: Politely ask if their purchase will be on a Kohl's Charge.
This will immediately weed out a customer who does have one, making the process a lot easier. If they say no, proceed to step 2.

Step 2: Spew the benefits.
You never know which Charge Card benefit will hit the customers interest button so you have to swiftly "spew" them all. Preferably in one breath because not only is it impressive, but time efficient. The one that mostly appeals to people is the instant gratification of the 20% discount on their current purchase. Sometimes I even do mental math (lol wut?) and tell them how much money that is.

Step 3: Cry. 
Sometimes there are the customer that just need a little push. Crying is always an option, although I have never done this one (or any of the suggestions to come).

Step 4: Run.
Grab all of their merchandise and run across the store... do not give it back until they agree to open a Kohl's Charge.

Step 5: Cry and run.
Combine step 3 and 4 and add some flails while you run for drama.

Step 6: Follow.
(There is literally a guy who does this where I work) Follow a customer around while they shop and bother the heck out of them until they give in so that your creepy butt will just go away.

Step 7: Pity party.
Inform them that the management keeps track of how many credit apps you get every month and inform you when you are performing under par (add a little step 3 for drama).

Step 8: Indifference.
If after all of your haggling they still refuse quip back with something like "Well, I didn't want you to sign up for one anyway." or... "Oh, good for you now you're probably gonna get a belly ache," (alter that one to the situation) (add some step 4 for drama).

I Don't Want to Grow Up

This school year is over, and as we get further and further into summer I realize ever so gradually that I have no desire to grow up. Ever since freshman year I have been anxiously awaiting the day I would finally unlock the ball and chain that is high school. Yet.... as I approach senior year 1 day at a time I dread it all the same.

Don't get me wrong I am still a greedy teenager and can't wait for a graduation party and all the presents. But, after that what is there to do? Work hard, and be responsible for your own future? No thanks... I'm just gonna crawl in my hole of innocence and sleep away the next 100 years of my life (I'm shooting for 118)... which now that I think of it I could probably do, seeing as how I slept until noon today.

Maybe I am feeling a little bit stressed about where my future will end up. Because I am fairly sure I will not get into the college I have always been planning on... Not that there aren't other options I just never seriously considered them, and now they are scaring me.

Sorry to get all inner thinky on you... I just felt like I should blog and this is all that was in my head at the moment.

I'll come up with something entertaining soon... promise.

An Introduction to a Life in Retail

I recently got a job at Kohl's (wooo go me! I'm all profesh and responsible now... makin' bank... not really). Entonces, I have been introduced to the wonderful world of retail.

Never have I ever wanted to kill people so much...

I have come to the realization that there is no hope for the general public. They are all very stupid.

I work on the floor for the men's, misses, and juniors departments. Which means I clean out dressing rooms, hang stuff back up that has fallen, and so on and such wise (<-- you like that? sounds really intelligent doesn't it? yeah I know).

The teenage girls are the worst. They leave everything in the dressing room. Does the rack that says "We'll put it back for you." mean nothing? Idiots. OPEN YOUR EYES. Look, it's so fancy, you don't even have to fold it back up, not that you would. Then there are the chicks who go into the dressing rooms with entire outfits, (I mean like shoes, earrings, and lingerie included) hate everything, and leave it in a dressing room that looks like Fat Man (learn some history) was dropped in there. Like, jeans left on the floor perfectly scrunched down to be stepped out of.

Women are terrible too. At least they put it back on the rack. But since every woman in the world is concerned with her size, she takes in three of every piece of clothing in a different size. There are the incredibly lazy women that put stuff back on the hanger inside out. THANKS FOR NOTHING. Now I have to do more than before. Some people think they are being helpful and try to put the clothes back, but when they can't remember where they got it from they shove all of their lost little clothes on one rack IN A DIFFERENT SECTION. For real?

Men. I LOVE MEN. They come in they get what they need and they leave. The section is spotless, the clothes on the go back rack are all perfectly hung back on the hanger, and they don't try on underwear (........yep). 

So let me caution you... next time you go shopping, at least at Kohl's, please at least put the clothes on the go back rack. Or you might get eaten by a hateful Sales Associate.

That Idiot...

that rides down the road in the standing water when there is plenty of lane without water. (NO PROB I LOVE RUNNING MY WINDSHIELD WIPERS.)

that passes a school bus when it is stopped and blinking RED. (RED MEANS DEATH EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. )

that lies to you and tells you there is a Ke$ha song in the Hunger Games sound track. (YOU JUST CRUSHED MY LIFE.)

that a gets lower grade on a test than you but assumes you got lower and flaunts it in YOUR face anyway. (HI, YOU'RE VERY STUPID.)

that shuts their dress in their car door (WATCH ME WHILE I LAUGH AT YOU.)

that wears shorts and then complains about their cold legs. (HI IT'S WINTER TIME.)

that doesn't take showers often enough. (EW.)

that skateboards in the middle of the road. (WHEN YOU GET HIT BY A BUS I WILL LAUGH.)

that posts all their relationship crap/trauma on the interwebs. (I WANT TO DELETE YOUR FACE.)

10 Things I Should be Doing Other Than This.

Writing an AP English paper.

Cleaning my room.

Reading summer reading books I never even bothered to open.

Spanish homework.

Preparing to make dinner.

Writing the next 2 Charger Challenge prompts... (required for graduation). Meh.

Wearing pants.               (jk I'm wearing pants). (maybe).

Cleaning out my cat's litter box.  <--- that won't happen for at least a week more.

Laundry.

Researching rhetorical analysis.

A Confession

So, I do have a confession to make... to the 13 (5 of them being the same person) followers who I know care deeply about the inner workings of my mind and my conscious.

I played Minecraft... and I am kind of addicted, have been for quite some time now. Once you get over the vintage graphics and ridiculousness of the game itself you're trapped, sucked into a new dimension in which life is yours to make. It's like sweet dream you just can't get out of.

I felt like I needed to tell this to you because I dissed it in an earlier post. Which I know you remember, have memorized even.

Well, yeah. Now you know. Laugh away.

The Nation of Me

I have a country, it is taking over the rest of the world slowly but surely.

No, really it's legit. I have a Secretary of Defense and a Zombie Apocalypse Aficionado (every country needs one of those). I feel we will be the only country in the world prepared for this when it happens. My country is currently at war with the Graceland, because it refuses to acknowledge the fact that my country exists. We have nuclear weapons though, so I think we're fine on that front.

I am supreme ruler, I mean duh. Although my title is just M. The M if you want to get official. And yes, it has to be italicized. I also answer to Empress Divine, Hey Beautiful, and Optimus Prime. All of these also italicized.

Facts about The Nation of Me (always underlined):
Population: me (I mean, I am the only one that really matters).
National Anthem: Party Rock Anthem
Flag: purple with a giant pair of red Ray-Ban sunglasses
National dance: the pancake
National sport: quiz bowl
It is illegal to have red highlighted hair unless you are me.
Doorbells are outlawed.
People with an IQ of less than 169 are to be extinguished. 
We are all about equality.
All animals and children are to be named after me.
Anything I ever want to buy is to be given to me free.
Car doors are banned.
Peas are outlawed.
Giving homework is a federal offense.
Green 1995 Buicks are the only kinds of cars allowed.
Minimum wage is $1,000 an hour.
Smallest country in the world.
Surprise adoption is the only acceptable form of having kids.
Anyone caught listening to Lady Gaga will be exiled with her on an island (now how do ya like her?).

Why Beating Around the Bush is Pointless

First of all, I don't get that saying... beating around the bush. What are you beating? The physical perimeter of the bush, or the ground around the bush? Why are you beating the bush? What did it ever do to you? And then when you try to apply it to what it means.... is there something in the bush? Like are you beating around it so that whatever is inside will come out? <--- that's also pointless because if you were hiding in a bush and someone was outside beating around, would you come out? No.

But yeah, anyway. "Beating around the bush" is pointless. I don't do it. I figure if you want to tell someone something say it straight. Also, I go to school with a lot of very stupid people (not those of you who read this blog... well, maybe some of you :P) and they don't understand it when you try to "beat around the bush", you have to frankly lay it on them or they will be confused forever.

Beating around the bush is a weird saying and completely pointless for breaking news to someone.

That's all I've got.

How to Run on No Sleep At All

Morning
Coffee is essential.
Make sure you eat a good breakfast, blah blah blah. Just as long as you drink coffee with it.
Don't take too long in the shower, you might fall asleep (hot water does that to people, and it makes them pee but that's besides the point) and your coffee will be cold.

Afternoon
At lunch eat something with protein in it, go to lunch with friends, they can make sure you don't fall asleep.
Also at lunch, drink something with caffeine in it.... like coffee or coke or something, but coffee is your best bet. 

Night 
Don't eat dinner, the starving hunger in your stomach will keep you awake.
Make sure you put your  coffee maker on delay so you have something to look forward to. 
What ever you do, don't watch TV or listen to music that is sure to make you fall asleep. Try just standing on your head and drinking coffee.