The Nation of Me

I have a country, it is taking over the rest of the world slowly but surely.

No, really it's legit. I have a Secretary of Defense and a Zombie Apocalypse Aficionado (every country needs one of those). I feel we will be the only country in the world prepared for this when it happens. My country is currently at war with the Graceland, because it refuses to acknowledge the fact that my country exists. We have nuclear weapons though, so I think we're fine on that front.

I am supreme ruler, I mean duh. Although my title is just M. The M if you want to get official. And yes, it has to be italicized. I also answer to Empress Divine, Hey Beautiful, and Optimus Prime. All of these also italicized.

Facts about The Nation of Me (always underlined):
Population: me (I mean, I am the only one that really matters).
National Anthem: Party Rock Anthem
Flag: purple with a giant pair of red Ray-Ban sunglasses
National dance: the pancake
National sport: quiz bowl
It is illegal to have red highlighted hair unless you are me.
Doorbells are outlawed.
People with an IQ of less than 169 are to be extinguished. 
We are all about equality.
All animals and children are to be named after me.
Anything I ever want to buy is to be given to me free.
Car doors are banned.
Peas are outlawed.
Giving homework is a federal offense.
Green 1995 Buicks are the only kinds of cars allowed.
Minimum wage is $1,000 an hour.
Smallest country in the world.
Surprise adoption is the only acceptable form of having kids.
Anyone caught listening to Lady Gaga will be exiled with her on an island (now how do ya like her?).

How to Run on No Sleep At All

Morning
Coffee is essential.
Make sure you eat a good breakfast, blah blah blah. Just as long as you drink coffee with it.
Don't take too long in the shower, you might fall asleep (hot water does that to people, and it makes them pee but that's besides the point) and your coffee will be cold.

Afternoon
At lunch eat something with protein in it, go to lunch with friends, they can make sure you don't fall asleep.
Also at lunch, drink something with caffeine in it.... like coffee or coke or something, but coffee is your best bet. 

Night 
Don't eat dinner, the starving hunger in your stomach will keep you awake.
Make sure you put your  coffee maker on delay so you have something to look forward to. 
What ever you do, don't watch TV or listen to music that is sure to make you fall asleep. Try just standing on your head and drinking coffee. 

Commercials That Drive me Nuts

I watch way too much TV... and although I have a DVR, I a lot of time forget to fast forward and end up suffering through the commericals anyway. So here are some particularly annoying ones that have been playing lately... well not really that lately.

WHY does the announcer person in this commercial have a fake Russian (or the general area of the world) accent??! How is that "manly" or "boy-ey"?... whatever is supposed to attract boys. What do squinkies even do? Apparently stick to massive amounts of hair gel, and... be squishy? I don't UNDERSTANDDDD.

This one drives me (you're gonna love my) nuts in a GOOD way. "Stop having a boring tuna stop having a boring life"... regular tuna = your whole life is boring... get with it people. "Fettucini, linguini, martini, bikini" because those last two are nothing without some good grated cheese. "We're gonna make America skinny again one slap at a time"... sounds brutal but hey, when you have an opportunity like this why wouldn't you ask about the foldable cutting board??

These are the worst commercials ever. These are the ones that make me remember that I'm not fast-forwarding. But once I realize that I feel like I can't fast forward because it's even more cruel to the animals. It's a terrible cycle. I understand that commercials like this are supposed to evoke emotion and junk. And maybe in any normal person it would but (as I have been told) I am a stone cold robot and the only emotion coming out of me is hatred for the guilt they are making me feel. But, I pride myself in the fact that I have never succumb to these terrible commercials

For your enjoyment:

Bahaha!

Okay just one more I swear:

Alright alright! I'm done!

How to be Awesome

This a list I have created with succesful tips on how to be a truly awesome person. Now we are not going by a dictionary definition of awesome, we are going by my definition (which is basically anything I personally think is awesome... so yeah).

Step 1: Have a rockin' knee high sock collection. And don't just collect them, wear them, wear them proudly and loudly. Make sure most of them are adorned with neon colors so bright they faintly glow while the sun is going down. Make sure you have at least 3 pairs of animal print in at least 2 different kinds of animal. And don't EVER wear them with sandals.

Step 2: Have an awesome lunch box. For those of you still in school this is a key ingredient of awesomeness. Mine is shaped like an elephant, my favorite animal. It's not a requirement that your lunch box be an animal, superheroes and fun patterns are acceptable just be sure it doesn't have an attachable water bottle, thats lame.

Step 3: Watch Phineas and Ferb, iCarly, and The Nine Lives of Chloe King regularly. These shows rock. Phineas and Ferb is the best cartoon EVER made, it has humor waaay above that of it's projected audience. And they just came out with a movie, it was EPIC. iCarly is also hilarious, when I watch it by myself I find myself laughing out loud and feeling like a dork, but thats just how you know it is genuinely funny and it isn't just the laugh track commanding you to laugh. The Nine Lives of Chloe King is too intense for you NOT to watch it, ABC Family Tuesdays after PLL.

Step 4: Have funny t-shirts. Comical dinosuars and t.v. show shout outs are required. Do not be fooled by the rock, paper, and scissors that have come to life, those were so last year.

Step 5: Have at least 2 pairs of high top sneakers. One in a pattern, otherwise all versions are acceptable.

Step 6: Don't be afraid. Don't be a weenie, and most certainly do not complain. Ride roller coasters that go straight up and down, eat octopus, and don't back out of anything that could potentially be awesome.

Step 7: Never have a favorite. Don't favor anything like movies, food, or books. There are too many awesome choices to pick just one, like them all and when people ask you what your favorite is kick them.

Step 8: Be violent. (Don't actually be violent just threaten people with a serious look on your face so that they back away in belief).

Step 9: Use big words. Being awesome is also a part of being smart, dumb people make me cringe. Use your vocabulary to it's fullest extent and you will go far in life. It's more than that though, keep up to date on your math skills and when someone asks a math question answer quickly with a smug look, everyone will think you are a genius. And if someone questions you refer to the step above.

Step 10: Listen to good music. Good music is as follows: Ke$ha, Miike Snow, Ghostland Observatory, Katy Perry, Bowling for Soup (they sing the Phineas and Ferb theme song), Justin Bieber (ONLY NEVER SAY NEVER WITH JADEN SMITH, NOTHING MORE), Adele, B.o.B, Early Black Eyed Peas not that junk they produce now, and anything along these lines.

Now with these 10 simple rules you can succeed at being awesome, good luck!