College (Hello I'm Back)

Get it? It's like one of those song titles where the artist couldn't decide on one name so they gave it two and just put one in parentheses.

So, my entire high school career I could absolutely not wait for college. I was convinced it was going to be the best time of my life. I had all these ideas about what it would be like.... some of which are accurate.There were a few things however I was not prepared for...

I go to a black school (I'm white). I wasn't ready for everyone to be so nice to me. I kinda thought I'd just walk around with my headphones in and stay out of the way. But people just say "hi" to me as I walk by them and ask how I'm doing.

There must be some unspoken rule among African Americans about holding doors open for people. Even if the person behind you is still 10 feet from the door. They just stand and wait for you. It's weird, but nice.

I thought my classes would be harder. Right now it kind of just seems like high school, but bigger. I also didn't anticipate so much reading... I mean that was high school, I thought we'd actually do stuff.... no.

I don't live on campus so I don't have an automatic roommate "friend." But I thought it would be easier to make friends. Not that people aren't nice or talkative, I just don't see them any other time than in class so it's hard to connect with anyone. There is a girl in all three of my MWF classes, so there is promise there.

The campus is way smaller than I expected.

So, yeah. I am enjoying the fact that there is coffee everywhere and the pizza is amazing.

I'll get used to it. And hopefully make some friends.

A few revelations...

I'm pretty much a superstar athlete.

I should have been a dancer.

I really, REALLY cannot sing.

Coffee does, in fact, have adverse effects on sleeping habits.

My acrocyanosis (sweaty hands that occasionally turn fun, yet concerning, colors like red and blue) is what it is and I need not be embarrassed about it. (However, I don't see this one making any progress because I am a teenager with the desire to conform).

I'm smarter than I think I am.

Working in retail sucks. (And provides good blog material). 

Salt makes my feet feel weird.

Mexican food is only good in moderation.

Buying gas makes me poor(er).

Frozen yogurt might be the best thing on earth.

I am in fact a senior in high school and I can't do anything about it.

Shakespeare is actually entertaining.

Mary Shelly is not.

Eating breakfast is important.

My cooking skills are amazing.

Probably only like 3 of my followers actually read this thing.

I wouldn't be a very good teacher.
 
Old people aren't that bad.

Deep Philosphical Thought for the Day

You know that quote by Henry David Thoreau (I read)? "Time is but a stream I go a'fishin in." If I could adapt that quote to my personal needs it would be more like "Time is a freaking gigantic lake, 1 bajillion feet deep, that I am drowning in, and there is probably an evil monster at the bottom." Yep. Time seems to move so slowly lately. Maybe it's because I am anxiously awaiting all the decisions from the colleges to which I applied, or maybe it's because I can't wait for Christmas to be over, so that I don't have to work as much (time at work moves slower than a snail in a swimming pool of dried concrete). Maybe it's because I put a count down to graduation on my phone (179 days left by the way). It could also just be that my watch is slower than normal watches... who am I kidding, I don't wear a watch.  Maybe it's my crazy Allied Health teacher that makes every waking minute I have to be with her more painful than someone who keeps poking your eyeball with a jagged toothpick (sorry, that was graphic, but at least you know my pain). It could also be this paper that has been hanging over me for four days and I still don't even know what I am supposed to be writing about. Could be the fact that I just ate lunch and really want a siesta, but America is stupid and doesn't believe in nationwide naps (new plan: move to Spain). A big contributor is probably my habit of keeping my inbox open, waiting for an email... sometimes I forget that I have no friends. I wear scrubs to school everyday now, so the days blend together... that might have something to do with it.

I don't know, but for someone who walks really fast, my life seems to be moving really slow.

Dear...

The trumpet player in Marching Band who thinks he is SO much cooler than everyone else,
      Yeah, hi. YOU'RE IN MARCHING BAND! (Although I personally think marching band is cooler than penguins, let's face the facts, in the high school world marching band is not the super coolest place to be). ACCEPT THIS and get over your holier than thou attitude, nothing makes you special son.

The girl at work who keeps telling me how to do my job,
     Uhm.... you have been here a week and I have been here at least 3 months (that's longer). STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, especially since you aren't good at it!

My Biology teacher,
     Stop telling us stuff is "super informal" and then giving us D's (sincerely, the whole class).

Little brother,
     Stop leaving your underwear and socks on our bathroom floor. For reals.

Taco Bell,
      I love you.

October,
     Could you actually BE October? I am not okay with this 85 degree weather. I want to be cold! I want to wear boots!

Gas,
     Be less expensive! I cannot survive if I have to shell (haha, get it?) $60 every time I fill my car up. Never mind the fact that my car drinks a tank for breakfast.

The guy from the Ukraine that reads my blog,
     Thanks bro. You make me feel internationally famous. (Or if you are a girl... thanks gur).

One to one

The new school year has started, and right now since all my homework is done (that's a lie, I have none... "but still it's good.") I am going to blog.... because I am feeling disconnected from my blogosphere... you know because it's gigantic.

So now I am going to rant on a school related topic that is already driving me nuts. This is going to be a great last year.

Our school has this nifty (or as you will see not so much) one to one laptop set up. Each student has his or her own laptop to use for school. They can go home with us too. But you see... these laptops are paraplegic, they've been shot in the back of the head by The County. They can't go anywhere on the internet... everything is blocked... even research websites. The other day in my allied health science class we were looking up websites to make cartoons and half of them were blocked... how is that useful?

The thing that really gets me though is the fact that email is blocked... granted I spent 99% of my time on gmail last year... but that was on chat. I still used the email for reasonable purposes like telling my mom about club meetings after school I had forgotten about, or that I was SICK and she needed to come get me. All classes pretty much incorporate group projects at least a couple times throughout the semester... how are we supposed to communicate?............. The school has given us email addresses that work like the teacher given ones, but they cannot receive or send emails from addresses that are not created by The County.

Another thing... sorry this is getting boring... you can stop reading if you want... but I am going to keep typing... don't actually stop reading... it will hurt my feelings... We can't print at home! Seriously? If I try to plug my laptop into my home printer, via USB, the computer tells me I cannot add it to my 'print library' because I am not a print admin.... WHAT. I don't understand why this is a function that was blocked. Are we supposed to wait and print papers and projects the day of in the library?... plus color printing cost 10 cents a page in the library, I should be allowed to do it for free at home! Stupid stupid stupid.

Behind the Register

Since my last post about my fantastical job, I have moved departments... I guess that's what you'd call it. Anyways, I now work the cash register, which is 2,765,386,345 times (exactly) better than working on the sales floor (I guess the only reason behind this is that I don't have to clean up after people, which I barely do for myself).

So, let me let you in on a secret:

The sole purpose of the check out at Kohl's is to persuade every customer that does not have a Kohl's Charge Card that they will immediately have a seizure, go into cardiac arrest, or spend too much money (possibly a nasty combination of all three) if they do not sign up for one right then and there.

So being the sales monkey that I now am, I have devised a few simple tactics to disillusion (scare, whatever) unsuspecting customers into signing up for a Charge Card.

Step 1: Politely ask if their purchase will be on a Kohl's Charge.
This will immediately weed out a customer who does have one, making the process a lot easier. If they say no, proceed to step 2.

Step 2: Spew the benefits.
You never know which Charge Card benefit will hit the customers interest button so you have to swiftly "spew" them all. Preferably in one breath because not only is it impressive, but time efficient. The one that mostly appeals to people is the instant gratification of the 20% discount on their current purchase. Sometimes I even do mental math (lol wut?) and tell them how much money that is.

Step 3: Cry. 
Sometimes there are the customer that just need a little push. Crying is always an option, although I have never done this one (or any of the suggestions to come).

Step 4: Run.
Grab all of their merchandise and run across the store... do not give it back until they agree to open a Kohl's Charge.

Step 5: Cry and run.
Combine step 3 and 4 and add some flails while you run for drama.

Step 6: Follow.
(There is literally a guy who does this where I work) Follow a customer around while they shop and bother the heck out of them until they give in so that your creepy butt will just go away.

Step 7: Pity party.
Inform them that the management keeps track of how many credit apps you get every month and inform you when you are performing under par (add a little step 3 for drama).

Step 8: Indifference.
If after all of your haggling they still refuse quip back with something like "Well, I didn't want you to sign up for one anyway." or... "Oh, good for you now you're probably gonna get a belly ache," (alter that one to the situation) (add some step 4 for drama).

Things I Find Funny

People that drive down the road with their blinkers on and no intention to turn anywhere any time soon.

That BP sponsors team USA.

Birds that fly into one another.

McDonald's thinks it can make coffee.

The saying "use your noggin."

People that laugh in tense, awkward, sad, or important situations.

The movie Fired Up.

Google + thinks it can outdo facebook.

That outdo is one word.

The sound of a basoon.

Playing "dodge the frog" while driving on a warm, wet night.

People that make their tires squeal because they thinks it's cool.

People that use the wrong their, they're, or there (also applies to the inncorrect usage of you're & your as well).

Dogs that chase cars down the road when a car is coming straight at them in the other lane.

Accidental rhyming.

When a guy is crying at a movie and I'm not.

The letter P.

Abbreviations like "totes", "adorbs", "presh", "offish", "legit", "preesh", and "def".

How to be Awesome

This a list I have created with succesful tips on how to be a truly awesome person. Now we are not going by a dictionary definition of awesome, we are going by my definition (which is basically anything I personally think is awesome... so yeah).

Step 1: Have a rockin' knee high sock collection. And don't just collect them, wear them, wear them proudly and loudly. Make sure most of them are adorned with neon colors so bright they faintly glow while the sun is going down. Make sure you have at least 3 pairs of animal print in at least 2 different kinds of animal. And don't EVER wear them with sandals.

Step 2: Have an awesome lunch box. For those of you still in school this is a key ingredient of awesomeness. Mine is shaped like an elephant, my favorite animal. It's not a requirement that your lunch box be an animal, superheroes and fun patterns are acceptable just be sure it doesn't have an attachable water bottle, thats lame.

Step 3: Watch Phineas and Ferb, iCarly, and The Nine Lives of Chloe King regularly. These shows rock. Phineas and Ferb is the best cartoon EVER made, it has humor waaay above that of it's projected audience. And they just came out with a movie, it was EPIC. iCarly is also hilarious, when I watch it by myself I find myself laughing out loud and feeling like a dork, but thats just how you know it is genuinely funny and it isn't just the laugh track commanding you to laugh. The Nine Lives of Chloe King is too intense for you NOT to watch it, ABC Family Tuesdays after PLL.

Step 4: Have funny t-shirts. Comical dinosuars and t.v. show shout outs are required. Do not be fooled by the rock, paper, and scissors that have come to life, those were so last year.

Step 5: Have at least 2 pairs of high top sneakers. One in a pattern, otherwise all versions are acceptable.

Step 6: Don't be afraid. Don't be a weenie, and most certainly do not complain. Ride roller coasters that go straight up and down, eat octopus, and don't back out of anything that could potentially be awesome.

Step 7: Never have a favorite. Don't favor anything like movies, food, or books. There are too many awesome choices to pick just one, like them all and when people ask you what your favorite is kick them.

Step 8: Be violent. (Don't actually be violent just threaten people with a serious look on your face so that they back away in belief).

Step 9: Use big words. Being awesome is also a part of being smart, dumb people make me cringe. Use your vocabulary to it's fullest extent and you will go far in life. It's more than that though, keep up to date on your math skills and when someone asks a math question answer quickly with a smug look, everyone will think you are a genius. And if someone questions you refer to the step above.

Step 10: Listen to good music. Good music is as follows: Ke$ha, Miike Snow, Ghostland Observatory, Katy Perry, Bowling for Soup (they sing the Phineas and Ferb theme song), Justin Bieber (ONLY NEVER SAY NEVER WITH JADEN SMITH, NOTHING MORE), Adele, B.o.B, Early Black Eyed Peas not that junk they produce now, and anything along these lines.

Now with these 10 simple rules you can succeed at being awesome, good luck!

Airplane Shopping

I just went on a trip to Perú. But no I am not going to blog about how amazing it was. Sorry. I'll post pics later. I would like you to know what I think of the in-flight magazine Sky Mall. Of course you have your standard shower seats, inner tubes, and blow up projector screens. But there is always just the strange and useless stuff too. For example a Bigfoot statue that apears to be creepin' through your yard, he has a surprised look and everything. An  indoor dog bathroom, you know in case you don't have an outside where you live... What? Stainless steel wallets. A dog crate that looks like an end table, so you hide the fact that you had caged your animal. Voice activated, life size R2-D2. He responds to voice commands! The 14 gallon PORTABLE gas pump. The Superior Comfort Bed Lounger. A chair for your bed. Seriously that thing is so complicated just sit in a chair. A 40 inch foldable photo studio. I'm boring you now. Moving on!

Then there are the things that are so ridiculous you NEED them. A magic wand remote control, you flick it up and down and the channels change, left to right for volume. LEGIT. A pen that has a hidden video camera, how to be a secret agent. ALSO LEGIT. A self cleaning litter box. Being that this is my chore that was especially appealing. OH but don't stop there there was a cat potty training kit. The Litter Kwitter. Seriously you can teach your cat to use toilets. LEGIT. The ergonomic beach lounger. You can lay on your stomach and still read a book! There is a face hole! How can you not pay $169.95 for that thing? A face hole! For all you golfers out there, the weed wacking driver. You know in case you are on the course and the lawn crew missed a spot. LEGIT.