Behind the Register

Since my last post about my fantastical job, I have moved departments... I guess that's what you'd call it. Anyways, I now work the cash register, which is 2,765,386,345 times (exactly) better than working on the sales floor (I guess the only reason behind this is that I don't have to clean up after people, which I barely do for myself).

So, let me let you in on a secret:

The sole purpose of the check out at Kohl's is to persuade every customer that does not have a Kohl's Charge Card that they will immediately have a seizure, go into cardiac arrest, or spend too much money (possibly a nasty combination of all three) if they do not sign up for one right then and there.

So being the sales monkey that I now am, I have devised a few simple tactics to disillusion (scare, whatever) unsuspecting customers into signing up for a Charge Card.

Step 1: Politely ask if their purchase will be on a Kohl's Charge.
This will immediately weed out a customer who does have one, making the process a lot easier. If they say no, proceed to step 2.

Step 2: Spew the benefits.
You never know which Charge Card benefit will hit the customers interest button so you have to swiftly "spew" them all. Preferably in one breath because not only is it impressive, but time efficient. The one that mostly appeals to people is the instant gratification of the 20% discount on their current purchase. Sometimes I even do mental math (lol wut?) and tell them how much money that is.

Step 3: Cry. 
Sometimes there are the customer that just need a little push. Crying is always an option, although I have never done this one (or any of the suggestions to come).

Step 4: Run.
Grab all of their merchandise and run across the store... do not give it back until they agree to open a Kohl's Charge.

Step 5: Cry and run.
Combine step 3 and 4 and add some flails while you run for drama.

Step 6: Follow.
(There is literally a guy who does this where I work) Follow a customer around while they shop and bother the heck out of them until they give in so that your creepy butt will just go away.

Step 7: Pity party.
Inform them that the management keeps track of how many credit apps you get every month and inform you when you are performing under par (add a little step 3 for drama).

Step 8: Indifference.
If after all of your haggling they still refuse quip back with something like "Well, I didn't want you to sign up for one anyway." or... "Oh, good for you now you're probably gonna get a belly ache," (alter that one to the situation) (add some step 4 for drama).

How to Tell Whether You Have a Life or Not

First of all, you automatically have an amazing one if you are reading this blog... but here are some other ways to tell:
- You have friends that go to a different school and/or church.
- You don't mind when your computer is dysfunctional (until you realize you can't come read my blog... then you can explode into hysterics).  
- You go to bed after at least 9:30 because you're up "late" doing incredibly awesome things.
- You don't need a cell phone to survive.
- It doesn't absolutely kill you to wake up in the morning.
- You have plans (not school/church related) this weekend and the weekend after with 2 different groups of people . 
- You eat dinner at least once a week somewhere other than in front of your television.
- You have a job/you're a really good person and volunteer your time.
- You can read.
- You moan when someone gives you chores, because you were doing incredibly awesome things.
- Your eyes can handle looking at a computer for long periods of time.
- You don't play minecraft.
- You don't fill other people's home page with thousands of Farmville notifications.

How to Run on No Sleep At All

Morning
Coffee is essential.
Make sure you eat a good breakfast, blah blah blah. Just as long as you drink coffee with it.
Don't take too long in the shower, you might fall asleep (hot water does that to people, and it makes them pee but that's besides the point) and your coffee will be cold.

Afternoon
At lunch eat something with protein in it, go to lunch with friends, they can make sure you don't fall asleep.
Also at lunch, drink something with caffeine in it.... like coffee or coke or something, but coffee is your best bet. 

Night 
Don't eat dinner, the starving hunger in your stomach will keep you awake.
Make sure you put your  coffee maker on delay so you have something to look forward to. 
What ever you do, don't watch TV or listen to music that is sure to make you fall asleep. Try just standing on your head and drinking coffee. 

How to be Awesome

This a list I have created with succesful tips on how to be a truly awesome person. Now we are not going by a dictionary definition of awesome, we are going by my definition (which is basically anything I personally think is awesome... so yeah).

Step 1: Have a rockin' knee high sock collection. And don't just collect them, wear them, wear them proudly and loudly. Make sure most of them are adorned with neon colors so bright they faintly glow while the sun is going down. Make sure you have at least 3 pairs of animal print in at least 2 different kinds of animal. And don't EVER wear them with sandals.

Step 2: Have an awesome lunch box. For those of you still in school this is a key ingredient of awesomeness. Mine is shaped like an elephant, my favorite animal. It's not a requirement that your lunch box be an animal, superheroes and fun patterns are acceptable just be sure it doesn't have an attachable water bottle, thats lame.

Step 3: Watch Phineas and Ferb, iCarly, and The Nine Lives of Chloe King regularly. These shows rock. Phineas and Ferb is the best cartoon EVER made, it has humor waaay above that of it's projected audience. And they just came out with a movie, it was EPIC. iCarly is also hilarious, when I watch it by myself I find myself laughing out loud and feeling like a dork, but thats just how you know it is genuinely funny and it isn't just the laugh track commanding you to laugh. The Nine Lives of Chloe King is too intense for you NOT to watch it, ABC Family Tuesdays after PLL.

Step 4: Have funny t-shirts. Comical dinosuars and t.v. show shout outs are required. Do not be fooled by the rock, paper, and scissors that have come to life, those were so last year.

Step 5: Have at least 2 pairs of high top sneakers. One in a pattern, otherwise all versions are acceptable.

Step 6: Don't be afraid. Don't be a weenie, and most certainly do not complain. Ride roller coasters that go straight up and down, eat octopus, and don't back out of anything that could potentially be awesome.

Step 7: Never have a favorite. Don't favor anything like movies, food, or books. There are too many awesome choices to pick just one, like them all and when people ask you what your favorite is kick them.

Step 8: Be violent. (Don't actually be violent just threaten people with a serious look on your face so that they back away in belief).

Step 9: Use big words. Being awesome is also a part of being smart, dumb people make me cringe. Use your vocabulary to it's fullest extent and you will go far in life. It's more than that though, keep up to date on your math skills and when someone asks a math question answer quickly with a smug look, everyone will think you are a genius. And if someone questions you refer to the step above.

Step 10: Listen to good music. Good music is as follows: Ke$ha, Miike Snow, Ghostland Observatory, Katy Perry, Bowling for Soup (they sing the Phineas and Ferb theme song), Justin Bieber (ONLY NEVER SAY NEVER WITH JADEN SMITH, NOTHING MORE), Adele, B.o.B, Early Black Eyed Peas not that junk they produce now, and anything along these lines.

Now with these 10 simple rules you can succeed at being awesome, good luck!