Deep Philosphical Thought for the Day

You know that quote by Henry David Thoreau (I read)? "Time is but a stream I go a'fishin in." If I could adapt that quote to my personal needs it would be more like "Time is a freaking gigantic lake, 1 bajillion feet deep, that I am drowning in, and there is probably an evil monster at the bottom." Yep. Time seems to move so slowly lately. Maybe it's because I am anxiously awaiting all the decisions from the colleges to which I applied, or maybe it's because I can't wait for Christmas to be over, so that I don't have to work as much (time at work moves slower than a snail in a swimming pool of dried concrete). Maybe it's because I put a count down to graduation on my phone (179 days left by the way). It could also just be that my watch is slower than normal watches... who am I kidding, I don't wear a watch.  Maybe it's my crazy Allied Health teacher that makes every waking minute I have to be with her more painful than someone who keeps poking your eyeball with a jagged toothpick (sorry, that was graphic, but at least you know my pain). It could also be this paper that has been hanging over me for four days and I still don't even know what I am supposed to be writing about. Could be the fact that I just ate lunch and really want a siesta, but America is stupid and doesn't believe in nationwide naps (new plan: move to Spain). A big contributor is probably my habit of keeping my inbox open, waiting for an email... sometimes I forget that I have no friends. I wear scrubs to school everyday now, so the days blend together... that might have something to do with it.

I don't know, but for someone who walks really fast, my life seems to be moving really slow.

Dear...

The trumpet player in Marching Band who thinks he is SO much cooler than everyone else,
      Yeah, hi. YOU'RE IN MARCHING BAND! (Although I personally think marching band is cooler than penguins, let's face the facts, in the high school world marching band is not the super coolest place to be). ACCEPT THIS and get over your holier than thou attitude, nothing makes you special son.

The girl at work who keeps telling me how to do my job,
     Uhm.... you have been here a week and I have been here at least 3 months (that's longer). STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, especially since you aren't good at it!

My Biology teacher,
     Stop telling us stuff is "super informal" and then giving us D's (sincerely, the whole class).

Little brother,
     Stop leaving your underwear and socks on our bathroom floor. For reals.

Taco Bell,
      I love you.

October,
     Could you actually BE October? I am not okay with this 85 degree weather. I want to be cold! I want to wear boots!

Gas,
     Be less expensive! I cannot survive if I have to shell (haha, get it?) $60 every time I fill my car up. Never mind the fact that my car drinks a tank for breakfast.

The guy from the Ukraine that reads my blog,
     Thanks bro. You make me feel internationally famous. (Or if you are a girl... thanks gur).

Behind the Register

Since my last post about my fantastical job, I have moved departments... I guess that's what you'd call it. Anyways, I now work the cash register, which is 2,765,386,345 times (exactly) better than working on the sales floor (I guess the only reason behind this is that I don't have to clean up after people, which I barely do for myself).

So, let me let you in on a secret:

The sole purpose of the check out at Kohl's is to persuade every customer that does not have a Kohl's Charge Card that they will immediately have a seizure, go into cardiac arrest, or spend too much money (possibly a nasty combination of all three) if they do not sign up for one right then and there.

So being the sales monkey that I now am, I have devised a few simple tactics to disillusion (scare, whatever) unsuspecting customers into signing up for a Charge Card.

Step 1: Politely ask if their purchase will be on a Kohl's Charge.
This will immediately weed out a customer who does have one, making the process a lot easier. If they say no, proceed to step 2.

Step 2: Spew the benefits.
You never know which Charge Card benefit will hit the customers interest button so you have to swiftly "spew" them all. Preferably in one breath because not only is it impressive, but time efficient. The one that mostly appeals to people is the instant gratification of the 20% discount on their current purchase. Sometimes I even do mental math (lol wut?) and tell them how much money that is.

Step 3: Cry. 
Sometimes there are the customer that just need a little push. Crying is always an option, although I have never done this one (or any of the suggestions to come).

Step 4: Run.
Grab all of their merchandise and run across the store... do not give it back until they agree to open a Kohl's Charge.

Step 5: Cry and run.
Combine step 3 and 4 and add some flails while you run for drama.

Step 6: Follow.
(There is literally a guy who does this where I work) Follow a customer around while they shop and bother the heck out of them until they give in so that your creepy butt will just go away.

Step 7: Pity party.
Inform them that the management keeps track of how many credit apps you get every month and inform you when you are performing under par (add a little step 3 for drama).

Step 8: Indifference.
If after all of your haggling they still refuse quip back with something like "Well, I didn't want you to sign up for one anyway." or... "Oh, good for you now you're probably gonna get a belly ache," (alter that one to the situation) (add some step 4 for drama).

Creep Alert

I am quite experienced in getting rid of creepy and/or generally annoying people. Here are 5 simple steps to rid yourself of the common pest:

1) Don't ever EVER let on that you are any kind of friends with that person. If they say something about you being friends bluntly and QUICKLY correct them. A simple "We're not friends," might suffice (if not you can always try the "turn and run" thing). If they laugh it off as a joke, don't laugh with them, this ensures sincerity. Another tactic is to, at all times possible, refer to other people as your best friends, even if they aren't just to make the creep feel like more of an outsider.

2) Be mean. I love the serious sarcasm. The creep thinks you are kidding when in actuality you are completely serious. I love this because it satisfies your need to be utterly hateful without making the other person cry... too hard.

3) Hate everything they love. As soon as they say they like something make a revolted face and say you hate it. Even if it's your favorite thing in the world. They might get the hint that you two have nothing in common and therefore should not be friends.... most likely though, they won't.

4) Don't be afraid to resort to childish avoidance. If that person is standing down the hall and hasn't seen you TURN AROUND and do the swift, silent, urgent run/walk in the opposite direction. If you know when that person routinely arrives at the place you most often run into them, make it a habit to arrive there later or earlier, just so you are not forced to walk with them. (It is extremely helpful to learn their patterns so you can avoid them at all cost). 

5) During times for forced interaction, note every little thing you dislike most about this person. It will keep you sane. If you keep thinking about everything the creep does that is thoroughly nauseating you can create more condescending things to say in the future.

An Introduction to a Life in Retail

I recently got a job at Kohl's (wooo go me! I'm all profesh and responsible now... makin' bank... not really). Entonces, I have been introduced to the wonderful world of retail.

Never have I ever wanted to kill people so much...

I have come to the realization that there is no hope for the general public. They are all very stupid.

I work on the floor for the men's, misses, and juniors departments. Which means I clean out dressing rooms, hang stuff back up that has fallen, and so on and such wise (<-- you like that? sounds really intelligent doesn't it? yeah I know).

The teenage girls are the worst. They leave everything in the dressing room. Does the rack that says "We'll put it back for you." mean nothing? Idiots. OPEN YOUR EYES. Look, it's so fancy, you don't even have to fold it back up, not that you would. Then there are the chicks who go into the dressing rooms with entire outfits, (I mean like shoes, earrings, and lingerie included) hate everything, and leave it in a dressing room that looks like Fat Man (learn some history) was dropped in there. Like, jeans left on the floor perfectly scrunched down to be stepped out of.

Women are terrible too. At least they put it back on the rack. But since every woman in the world is concerned with her size, she takes in three of every piece of clothing in a different size. There are the incredibly lazy women that put stuff back on the hanger inside out. THANKS FOR NOTHING. Now I have to do more than before. Some people think they are being helpful and try to put the clothes back, but when they can't remember where they got it from they shove all of their lost little clothes on one rack IN A DIFFERENT SECTION. For real?

Men. I LOVE MEN. They come in they get what they need and they leave. The section is spotless, the clothes on the go back rack are all perfectly hung back on the hanger, and they don't try on underwear (........yep). 

So let me caution you... next time you go shopping, at least at Kohl's, please at least put the clothes on the go back rack. Or you might get eaten by a hateful Sales Associate.

Scary Things

Feet.
Thunder storms.
Spiders.
Robbers.
Clowns.
Ugly babies.
My English teacher.
Airplane landings.
The dark.
Cameltoe.
Being home alone.
Grimm.
Old people.
Words with more than 13 letters.
Getting lost.
Wind.
Bears.
Rabies.
Panty lines.
My mom.
Vincent Price.
Motor cycles.
My chemistry teacher.
Aye aye lemurs.
Katniss Everdeen.
Beats.
Cellulite.
Mold.
The woods.
Lasers.
Germans.

That Idiot...

that rides down the road in the standing water when there is plenty of lane without water. (NO PROB I LOVE RUNNING MY WINDSHIELD WIPERS.)

that passes a school bus when it is stopped and blinking RED. (RED MEANS DEATH EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. )

that lies to you and tells you there is a Ke$ha song in the Hunger Games sound track. (YOU JUST CRUSHED MY LIFE.)

that a gets lower grade on a test than you but assumes you got lower and flaunts it in YOUR face anyway. (HI, YOU'RE VERY STUPID.)

that shuts their dress in their car door (WATCH ME WHILE I LAUGH AT YOU.)

that wears shorts and then complains about their cold legs. (HI IT'S WINTER TIME.)

that doesn't take showers often enough. (EW.)

that skateboards in the middle of the road. (WHEN YOU GET HIT BY A BUS I WILL LAUGH.)

that posts all their relationship crap/trauma on the interwebs. (I WANT TO DELETE YOUR FACE.)

All I Do is Pin Pin Pin

So a couple of months ago I became addicted to this website called Pinterest. You probably have heard of it. At first I was just restricted to looking, because you have to be invited in order to actually pin things. So I remained an observer for about 2 months. Stopping in occasionally to see what new things would appear.

About a week ago I received an invitation from my sister (Raz Darnell).

That is when my life ended. All I think about now is what I should pin next, what board it should go on, and what clever caption I should drop underneath. I can't stop, even right now I thinking about a way to pin a link to my blog. I am hopeless. I literally can spend hours on that website completely enthralled. It is a vicious cycle really. I get tired of pinning things so I go and look at other people's pins. While I am doing this I am repinning things I like. Then once I have repinned a ton of stuff I feel guilty like I am only stealing other people's ideas and I feel the need to go find my own pins. And now you can see where the cycle starts over.

( I am also into hyper-linking... in case you can't tell)

10 Things I Should be Doing Other Than This.

Writing an AP English paper.

Cleaning my room.

Reading summer reading books I never even bothered to open.

Spanish homework.

Preparing to make dinner.

Writing the next 2 Charger Challenge prompts... (required for graduation). Meh.

Wearing pants.               (jk I'm wearing pants). (maybe).

Cleaning out my cat's litter box.  <--- that won't happen for at least a week more.

Laundry.

Researching rhetorical analysis.

A Confession

So, I do have a confession to make... to the 13 (5 of them being the same person) followers who I know care deeply about the inner workings of my mind and my conscious.

I played Minecraft... and I am kind of addicted, have been for quite some time now. Once you get over the vintage graphics and ridiculousness of the game itself you're trapped, sucked into a new dimension in which life is yours to make. It's like sweet dream you just can't get out of.

I felt like I needed to tell this to you because I dissed it in an earlier post. Which I know you remember, have memorized even.

Well, yeah. Now you know. Laugh away.

What Winter Break Means to My Teachers

     To students winter break means two weeks of relaxation and fun, snow, hot chocolate, fires, and family. It is a time for you to just forget about school and all the work that goes with it and just focus on pretty much nothing... it's two weeks for your brain to just sit inside your head and give you the power to breathe and eat, but no more is really necessary.

      To teachers however, winter break is a disaster. Kids brains go on vacation for two weeks and just die... they can't have that happen. They think that if we go veg for two weeks we will forget everything we were ever taught in our entire lives. So they feel the need to pile on the work over the break so that we have at least enough to do something everyday... because apparently we don't make other plans. It's funny too because I am the type of person who leaves everything until the very last second (like tomorrow I have a quiz on my US History reading that I've done none of). So my last day of break is going to be devoted to doing mounds and mounds of homework, projects, and general studying.

The Nation of Me

I have a country, it is taking over the rest of the world slowly but surely.

No, really it's legit. I have a Secretary of Defense and a Zombie Apocalypse Aficionado (every country needs one of those). I feel we will be the only country in the world prepared for this when it happens. My country is currently at war with the Graceland, because it refuses to acknowledge the fact that my country exists. We have nuclear weapons though, so I think we're fine on that front.

I am supreme ruler, I mean duh. Although my title is just M. The M if you want to get official. And yes, it has to be italicized. I also answer to Empress Divine, Hey Beautiful, and Optimus Prime. All of these also italicized.

Facts about The Nation of Me (always underlined):
Population: me (I mean, I am the only one that really matters).
National Anthem: Party Rock Anthem
Flag: purple with a giant pair of red Ray-Ban sunglasses
National dance: the pancake
National sport: quiz bowl
It is illegal to have red highlighted hair unless you are me.
Doorbells are outlawed.
People with an IQ of less than 169 are to be extinguished. 
We are all about equality.
All animals and children are to be named after me.
Anything I ever want to buy is to be given to me free.
Car doors are banned.
Peas are outlawed.
Giving homework is a federal offense.
Green 1995 Buicks are the only kinds of cars allowed.
Minimum wage is $1,000 an hour.
Smallest country in the world.
Surprise adoption is the only acceptable form of having kids.
Anyone caught listening to Lady Gaga will be exiled with her on an island (now how do ya like her?).

Blarg

I feel kind of disgusting. I must be coming down with something, I don't understand all these people that come to school sick and feel the need to infect the rest of the population with their pathogens. A girl in my first period came to school with mono (which you can contract from the air believe it or not, at least that's what my Allied Health teacher said, but she is in the first stages of dementia, so who knows). One of the people I hang out with most went home half way through the day because she was sick. The kid in front of me in Pre-calculus was sniffling and my sister has been sick for like 3 weeks anyway so I was doomed to that malady taking hold of my throat cells.

And now as I sit here I have to continually get up, because everyone in the world decided to call my house today. For some reason I decided to plop myself on the floor so you can imagine my grief. I can't quite grasp the concept of homework just yet because my head feels like a blimp and I'm pretty sure my brain has been taken over by foreign one celled organisms that intend to ruin my Thanksgiving break.

I am fairly certain I can beat the answering machine this time, but that would mean I have to get up now..... Yeah, that's not happening.

How to Tell Whether You Have a Life or Not

First of all, you automatically have an amazing one if you are reading this blog... but here are some other ways to tell:
- You have friends that go to a different school and/or church.
- You don't mind when your computer is dysfunctional (until you realize you can't come read my blog... then you can explode into hysterics).  
- You go to bed after at least 9:30 because you're up "late" doing incredibly awesome things.
- You don't need a cell phone to survive.
- It doesn't absolutely kill you to wake up in the morning.
- You have plans (not school/church related) this weekend and the weekend after with 2 different groups of people . 
- You eat dinner at least once a week somewhere other than in front of your television.
- You have a job/you're a really good person and volunteer your time.
- You can read.
- You moan when someone gives you chores, because you were doing incredibly awesome things.
- Your eyes can handle looking at a computer for long periods of time.
- You don't play minecraft.
- You don't fill other people's home page with thousands of Farmville notifications.

Things I Find Funny

People that drive down the road with their blinkers on and no intention to turn anywhere any time soon.

That BP sponsors team USA.

Birds that fly into one another.

McDonald's thinks it can make coffee.

The saying "use your noggin."

People that laugh in tense, awkward, sad, or important situations.

The movie Fired Up.

Google + thinks it can outdo facebook.

That outdo is one word.

The sound of a basoon.

Playing "dodge the frog" while driving on a warm, wet night.

People that make their tires squeal because they thinks it's cool.

People that use the wrong their, they're, or there (also applies to the inncorrect usage of you're & your as well).

Dogs that chase cars down the road when a car is coming straight at them in the other lane.

Accidental rhyming.

When a guy is crying at a movie and I'm not.

The letter P.

Abbreviations like "totes", "adorbs", "presh", "offish", "legit", "preesh", and "def".

Why Beating Around the Bush is Pointless

First of all, I don't get that saying... beating around the bush. What are you beating? The physical perimeter of the bush, or the ground around the bush? Why are you beating the bush? What did it ever do to you? And then when you try to apply it to what it means.... is there something in the bush? Like are you beating around it so that whatever is inside will come out? <--- that's also pointless because if you were hiding in a bush and someone was outside beating around, would you come out? No.

But yeah, anyway. "Beating around the bush" is pointless. I don't do it. I figure if you want to tell someone something say it straight. Also, I go to school with a lot of very stupid people (not those of you who read this blog... well, maybe some of you :P) and they don't understand it when you try to "beat around the bush", you have to frankly lay it on them or they will be confused forever.

Beating around the bush is a weird saying and completely pointless for breaking news to someone.

That's all I've got.

How to Run on No Sleep At All

Morning
Coffee is essential.
Make sure you eat a good breakfast, blah blah blah. Just as long as you drink coffee with it.
Don't take too long in the shower, you might fall asleep (hot water does that to people, and it makes them pee but that's besides the point) and your coffee will be cold.

Afternoon
At lunch eat something with protein in it, go to lunch with friends, they can make sure you don't fall asleep.
Also at lunch, drink something with caffeine in it.... like coffee or coke or something, but coffee is your best bet. 

Night 
Don't eat dinner, the starving hunger in your stomach will keep you awake.
Make sure you put your  coffee maker on delay so you have something to look forward to. 
What ever you do, don't watch TV or listen to music that is sure to make you fall asleep. Try just standing on your head and drinking coffee. 

Fair Food Fundamentals

Every year My family and I go the North Carolina State Fair about 5 or 6 times... yeah it's that big of a deal. The main reason is all the fantastic food. My list is as follows:

- deep fried snickers bar.
- cattleman's association steak sandwich.
- corn on the cob.
- turkey leg (must be eaten first in order to achieve maximum consumption).
- chocolate covered strawberries (at least 4 times... a visit).
- NC State ice cream.
- funnel cake (although I don't really like these, they are a classic).
- Al's fries (con mucho vinagre).
- party in a pita (there is no more of an explanation).
- milk (so simple, so necessary).
- 1lb of candy from the candy castle.

P.s. thank you Raz Darnell for the idea :)

Commercials That Drive me Nuts

I watch way too much TV... and although I have a DVR, I a lot of time forget to fast forward and end up suffering through the commericals anyway. So here are some particularly annoying ones that have been playing lately... well not really that lately.

WHY does the announcer person in this commercial have a fake Russian (or the general area of the world) accent??! How is that "manly" or "boy-ey"?... whatever is supposed to attract boys. What do squinkies even do? Apparently stick to massive amounts of hair gel, and... be squishy? I don't UNDERSTANDDDD.

This one drives me (you're gonna love my) nuts in a GOOD way. "Stop having a boring tuna stop having a boring life"... regular tuna = your whole life is boring... get with it people. "Fettucini, linguini, martini, bikini" because those last two are nothing without some good grated cheese. "We're gonna make America skinny again one slap at a time"... sounds brutal but hey, when you have an opportunity like this why wouldn't you ask about the foldable cutting board??

These are the worst commercials ever. These are the ones that make me remember that I'm not fast-forwarding. But once I realize that I feel like I can't fast forward because it's even more cruel to the animals. It's a terrible cycle. I understand that commercials like this are supposed to evoke emotion and junk. And maybe in any normal person it would but (as I have been told) I am a stone cold robot and the only emotion coming out of me is hatred for the guilt they are making me feel. But, I pride myself in the fact that I have never succumb to these terrible commercials

For your enjoyment:

Bahaha!

Okay just one more I swear:

Alright alright! I'm done!

How to be Awesome

This a list I have created with succesful tips on how to be a truly awesome person. Now we are not going by a dictionary definition of awesome, we are going by my definition (which is basically anything I personally think is awesome... so yeah).

Step 1: Have a rockin' knee high sock collection. And don't just collect them, wear them, wear them proudly and loudly. Make sure most of them are adorned with neon colors so bright they faintly glow while the sun is going down. Make sure you have at least 3 pairs of animal print in at least 2 different kinds of animal. And don't EVER wear them with sandals.

Step 2: Have an awesome lunch box. For those of you still in school this is a key ingredient of awesomeness. Mine is shaped like an elephant, my favorite animal. It's not a requirement that your lunch box be an animal, superheroes and fun patterns are acceptable just be sure it doesn't have an attachable water bottle, thats lame.

Step 3: Watch Phineas and Ferb, iCarly, and The Nine Lives of Chloe King regularly. These shows rock. Phineas and Ferb is the best cartoon EVER made, it has humor waaay above that of it's projected audience. And they just came out with a movie, it was EPIC. iCarly is also hilarious, when I watch it by myself I find myself laughing out loud and feeling like a dork, but thats just how you know it is genuinely funny and it isn't just the laugh track commanding you to laugh. The Nine Lives of Chloe King is too intense for you NOT to watch it, ABC Family Tuesdays after PLL.

Step 4: Have funny t-shirts. Comical dinosuars and t.v. show shout outs are required. Do not be fooled by the rock, paper, and scissors that have come to life, those were so last year.

Step 5: Have at least 2 pairs of high top sneakers. One in a pattern, otherwise all versions are acceptable.

Step 6: Don't be afraid. Don't be a weenie, and most certainly do not complain. Ride roller coasters that go straight up and down, eat octopus, and don't back out of anything that could potentially be awesome.

Step 7: Never have a favorite. Don't favor anything like movies, food, or books. There are too many awesome choices to pick just one, like them all and when people ask you what your favorite is kick them.

Step 8: Be violent. (Don't actually be violent just threaten people with a serious look on your face so that they back away in belief).

Step 9: Use big words. Being awesome is also a part of being smart, dumb people make me cringe. Use your vocabulary to it's fullest extent and you will go far in life. It's more than that though, keep up to date on your math skills and when someone asks a math question answer quickly with a smug look, everyone will think you are a genius. And if someone questions you refer to the step above.

Step 10: Listen to good music. Good music is as follows: Ke$ha, Miike Snow, Ghostland Observatory, Katy Perry, Bowling for Soup (they sing the Phineas and Ferb theme song), Justin Bieber (ONLY NEVER SAY NEVER WITH JADEN SMITH, NOTHING MORE), Adele, B.o.B, Early Black Eyed Peas not that junk they produce now, and anything along these lines.

Now with these 10 simple rules you can succeed at being awesome, good luck!