Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Creep Alert

I am quite experienced in getting rid of creepy and/or generally annoying people. Here are 5 simple steps to rid yourself of the common pest:

1) Don't ever EVER let on that you are any kind of friends with that person. If they say something about you being friends bluntly and QUICKLY correct them. A simple "We're not friends," might suffice (if not you can always try the "turn and run" thing). If they laugh it off as a joke, don't laugh with them, this ensures sincerity. Another tactic is to, at all times possible, refer to other people as your best friends, even if they aren't just to make the creep feel like more of an outsider.

2) Be mean. I love the serious sarcasm. The creep thinks you are kidding when in actuality you are completely serious. I love this because it satisfies your need to be utterly hateful without making the other person cry... too hard.

3) Hate everything they love. As soon as they say they like something make a revolted face and say you hate it. Even if it's your favorite thing in the world. They might get the hint that you two have nothing in common and therefore should not be friends.... most likely though, they won't.

4) Don't be afraid to resort to childish avoidance. If that person is standing down the hall and hasn't seen you TURN AROUND and do the swift, silent, urgent run/walk in the opposite direction. If you know when that person routinely arrives at the place you most often run into them, make it a habit to arrive there later or earlier, just so you are not forced to walk with them. (It is extremely helpful to learn their patterns so you can avoid them at all cost). 

5) During times for forced interaction, note every little thing you dislike most about this person. It will keep you sane. If you keep thinking about everything the creep does that is thoroughly nauseating you can create more condescending things to say in the future.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

An Introduction to a Life in Retail

I recently got a job at Kohl's (wooo go me! I'm all profesh and responsible now... makin' bank... not really). Entonces, I have been introduced to the wonderful world of retail.

Never have I ever wanted to kill people so much...

I have come to the realization that there is no hope for the general public. They are all very stupid.

I work on the floor for the men's, misses, and juniors departments. Which means I clean out dressing rooms, hang stuff back up that has fallen, and so on and such wise (<-- you like that? sounds really intelligent doesn't it? yeah I know).

The teenage girls are the worst. They leave everything in the dressing room. Does the rack that says "We'll put it back for you." mean nothing? Idiots. OPEN YOUR EYES. Look, it's so fancy, you don't even have to fold it back up, not that you would. Then there are the chicks who go into the dressing rooms with entire outfits, (I mean like shoes, earrings, and lingerie included) hate everything, and leave it in a dressing room that looks like Fat Man (learn some history) was dropped in there. Like, jeans left on the floor perfectly scrunched down to be stepped out of.

Women are terrible too. At least they put it back on the rack. But since every woman in the world is concerned with her size, she takes in three of every piece of clothing in a different size. There are the incredibly lazy women that put stuff back on the hanger inside out. THANKS FOR NOTHING. Now I have to do more than before. Some people think they are being helpful and try to put the clothes back, but when they can't remember where they got it from they shove all of their lost little clothes on one rack IN A DIFFERENT SECTION. For real?

Men. I LOVE MEN. They come in they get what they need and they leave. The section is spotless, the clothes on the go back rack are all perfectly hung back on the hanger, and they don't try on underwear (........yep). 

So let me caution you... next time you go shopping, at least at Kohl's, please at least put the clothes on the go back rack. Or you might get eaten by a hateful Sales Associate.