Sunday, July 8, 2012

Behind the Register

Since my last post about my fantastical job, I have moved departments... I guess that's what you'd call it. Anyways, I now work the cash register, which is 2,765,386,345 times (exactly) better than working on the sales floor (I guess the only reason behind this is that I don't have to clean up after people, which I barely do for myself).

So, let me let you in on a secret:

The sole purpose of the check out at Kohl's is to persuade every customer that does not have a Kohl's Charge Card that they will immediately have a seizure, go into cardiac arrest, or spend too much money (possibly a nasty combination of all three) if they do not sign up for one right then and there.

So being the sales monkey that I now am, I have devised a few simple tactics to disillusion (scare, whatever) unsuspecting customers into signing up for a Charge Card.

Step 1: Politely ask if their purchase will be on a Kohl's Charge.
This will immediately weed out a customer who does have one, making the process a lot easier. If they say no, proceed to step 2.

Step 2: Spew the benefits.
You never know which Charge Card benefit will hit the customers interest button so you have to swiftly "spew" them all. Preferably in one breath because not only is it impressive, but time efficient. The one that mostly appeals to people is the instant gratification of the 20% discount on their current purchase. Sometimes I even do mental math (lol wut?) and tell them how much money that is.

Step 3: Cry. 
Sometimes there are the customer that just need a little push. Crying is always an option, although I have never done this one (or any of the suggestions to come).

Step 4: Run.
Grab all of their merchandise and run across the store... do not give it back until they agree to open a Kohl's Charge.

Step 5: Cry and run.
Combine step 3 and 4 and add some flails while you run for drama.

Step 6: Follow.
(There is literally a guy who does this where I work) Follow a customer around while they shop and bother the heck out of them until they give in so that your creepy butt will just go away.

Step 7: Pity party.
Inform them that the management keeps track of how many credit apps you get every month and inform you when you are performing under par (add a little step 3 for drama).

Step 8: Indifference.
If after all of your haggling they still refuse quip back with something like "Well, I didn't want you to sign up for one anyway." or... "Oh, good for you now you're probably gonna get a belly ache," (alter that one to the situation) (add some step 4 for drama).