Why I Worry About Myself

Sometimes I do really weird things that make me worried about myself. Like here are a few things that happened recently...

I had a dream that I went for a run.... and that wasn't the worst part, there were severed heads all over the place. I just ran around them and stuff.

Walking into the grocery store the other day, an elderly lady popped her trunk with her fab from across the parking lot and I was standing close to her car and I thought... "What if I just hopped in her trunk and shut it..." who thinks things like that?

The other day I uttered the words "You is ashy."

I have absolutely no body temperature regulation. I sweat with a jacket on and freeze with it off. Like get it together hypothalamus.

I refer to explicit parts of my brain.

I have been craving vegetables.

I still don't really have any friends at school, like I have people I sort of talk to in class but I don't have any FRIEND friends.

I drank a mocha two days in a row... that probably means bad things right? I don't know.

I am always tired.

I kinda of eat pizza like everyday at school. That might contribute to the vegetable cravings.

Dear...

The trumpet player in Marching Band who thinks he is SO much cooler than everyone else,
      Yeah, hi. YOU'RE IN MARCHING BAND! (Although I personally think marching band is cooler than penguins, let's face the facts, in the high school world marching band is not the super coolest place to be). ACCEPT THIS and get over your holier than thou attitude, nothing makes you special son.

The girl at work who keeps telling me how to do my job,
     Uhm.... you have been here a week and I have been here at least 3 months (that's longer). STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, especially since you aren't good at it!

My Biology teacher,
     Stop telling us stuff is "super informal" and then giving us D's (sincerely, the whole class).

Little brother,
     Stop leaving your underwear and socks on our bathroom floor. For reals.

Taco Bell,
      I love you.

October,
     Could you actually BE October? I am not okay with this 85 degree weather. I want to be cold! I want to wear boots!

Gas,
     Be less expensive! I cannot survive if I have to shell (haha, get it?) $60 every time I fill my car up. Never mind the fact that my car drinks a tank for breakfast.

The guy from the Ukraine that reads my blog,
     Thanks bro. You make me feel internationally famous. (Or if you are a girl... thanks gur).

Words that scare me right now.

Senior
Graduation
Graduate
Diploma
Class of
2013 (shut up, I know those are numbers)
Scores
Receive
Pass
A
Advanced
Placement
Rank
GPA
College
Nursing
Quiz
Application
CNA
Essay
Captain
Honors
University
Community
Acceptance
Recommendation
Curricular
Hours
Paper
Study
SAT

Behind the Register

Since my last post about my fantastical job, I have moved departments... I guess that's what you'd call it. Anyways, I now work the cash register, which is 2,765,386,345 times (exactly) better than working on the sales floor (I guess the only reason behind this is that I don't have to clean up after people, which I barely do for myself).

So, let me let you in on a secret:

The sole purpose of the check out at Kohl's is to persuade every customer that does not have a Kohl's Charge Card that they will immediately have a seizure, go into cardiac arrest, or spend too much money (possibly a nasty combination of all three) if they do not sign up for one right then and there.

So being the sales monkey that I now am, I have devised a few simple tactics to disillusion (scare, whatever) unsuspecting customers into signing up for a Charge Card.

Step 1: Politely ask if their purchase will be on a Kohl's Charge.
This will immediately weed out a customer who does have one, making the process a lot easier. If they say no, proceed to step 2.

Step 2: Spew the benefits.
You never know which Charge Card benefit will hit the customers interest button so you have to swiftly "spew" them all. Preferably in one breath because not only is it impressive, but time efficient. The one that mostly appeals to people is the instant gratification of the 20% discount on their current purchase. Sometimes I even do mental math (lol wut?) and tell them how much money that is.

Step 3: Cry. 
Sometimes there are the customer that just need a little push. Crying is always an option, although I have never done this one (or any of the suggestions to come).

Step 4: Run.
Grab all of their merchandise and run across the store... do not give it back until they agree to open a Kohl's Charge.

Step 5: Cry and run.
Combine step 3 and 4 and add some flails while you run for drama.

Step 6: Follow.
(There is literally a guy who does this where I work) Follow a customer around while they shop and bother the heck out of them until they give in so that your creepy butt will just go away.

Step 7: Pity party.
Inform them that the management keeps track of how many credit apps you get every month and inform you when you are performing under par (add a little step 3 for drama).

Step 8: Indifference.
If after all of your haggling they still refuse quip back with something like "Well, I didn't want you to sign up for one anyway." or... "Oh, good for you now you're probably gonna get a belly ache," (alter that one to the situation) (add some step 4 for drama).

I Don't Want to Grow Up

This school year is over, and as we get further and further into summer I realize ever so gradually that I have no desire to grow up. Ever since freshman year I have been anxiously awaiting the day I would finally unlock the ball and chain that is high school. Yet.... as I approach senior year 1 day at a time I dread it all the same.

Don't get me wrong I am still a greedy teenager and can't wait for a graduation party and all the presents. But, after that what is there to do? Work hard, and be responsible for your own future? No thanks... I'm just gonna crawl in my hole of innocence and sleep away the next 100 years of my life (I'm shooting for 118)... which now that I think of it I could probably do, seeing as how I slept until noon today.

Maybe I am feeling a little bit stressed about where my future will end up. Because I am fairly sure I will not get into the college I have always been planning on... Not that there aren't other options I just never seriously considered them, and now they are scaring me.

Sorry to get all inner thinky on you... I just felt like I should blog and this is all that was in my head at the moment.

I'll come up with something entertaining soon... promise.

Creep Alert

I am quite experienced in getting rid of creepy and/or generally annoying people. Here are 5 simple steps to rid yourself of the common pest:

1) Don't ever EVER let on that you are any kind of friends with that person. If they say something about you being friends bluntly and QUICKLY correct them. A simple "We're not friends," might suffice (if not you can always try the "turn and run" thing). If they laugh it off as a joke, don't laugh with them, this ensures sincerity. Another tactic is to, at all times possible, refer to other people as your best friends, even if they aren't just to make the creep feel like more of an outsider.

2) Be mean. I love the serious sarcasm. The creep thinks you are kidding when in actuality you are completely serious. I love this because it satisfies your need to be utterly hateful without making the other person cry... too hard.

3) Hate everything they love. As soon as they say they like something make a revolted face and say you hate it. Even if it's your favorite thing in the world. They might get the hint that you two have nothing in common and therefore should not be friends.... most likely though, they won't.

4) Don't be afraid to resort to childish avoidance. If that person is standing down the hall and hasn't seen you TURN AROUND and do the swift, silent, urgent run/walk in the opposite direction. If you know when that person routinely arrives at the place you most often run into them, make it a habit to arrive there later or earlier, just so you are not forced to walk with them. (It is extremely helpful to learn their patterns so you can avoid them at all cost). 

5) During times for forced interaction, note every little thing you dislike most about this person. It will keep you sane. If you keep thinking about everything the creep does that is thoroughly nauseating you can create more condescending things to say in the future.

Scary Things

Feet.
Thunder storms.
Spiders.
Robbers.
Clowns.
Ugly babies.
My English teacher.
Airplane landings.
The dark.
Cameltoe.
Being home alone.
Grimm.
Old people.
Words with more than 13 letters.
Getting lost.
Wind.
Bears.
Rabies.
Panty lines.
My mom.
Vincent Price.
Motor cycles.
My chemistry teacher.
Aye aye lemurs.
Katniss Everdeen.
Beats.
Cellulite.
Mold.
The woods.
Lasers.
Germans.

That Idiot...

that rides down the road in the standing water when there is plenty of lane without water. (NO PROB I LOVE RUNNING MY WINDSHIELD WIPERS.)

that passes a school bus when it is stopped and blinking RED. (RED MEANS DEATH EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. )

that lies to you and tells you there is a Ke$ha song in the Hunger Games sound track. (YOU JUST CRUSHED MY LIFE.)

that a gets lower grade on a test than you but assumes you got lower and flaunts it in YOUR face anyway. (HI, YOU'RE VERY STUPID.)

that shuts their dress in their car door (WATCH ME WHILE I LAUGH AT YOU.)

that wears shorts and then complains about their cold legs. (HI IT'S WINTER TIME.)

that doesn't take showers often enough. (EW.)

that skateboards in the middle of the road. (WHEN YOU GET HIT BY A BUS I WILL LAUGH.)

that posts all their relationship crap/trauma on the interwebs. (I WANT TO DELETE YOUR FACE.)

The Nation of Me

I have a country, it is taking over the rest of the world slowly but surely.

No, really it's legit. I have a Secretary of Defense and a Zombie Apocalypse Aficionado (every country needs one of those). I feel we will be the only country in the world prepared for this when it happens. My country is currently at war with the Graceland, because it refuses to acknowledge the fact that my country exists. We have nuclear weapons though, so I think we're fine on that front.

I am supreme ruler, I mean duh. Although my title is just M. The M if you want to get official. And yes, it has to be italicized. I also answer to Empress Divine, Hey Beautiful, and Optimus Prime. All of these also italicized.

Facts about The Nation of Me (always underlined):
Population: me (I mean, I am the only one that really matters).
National Anthem: Party Rock Anthem
Flag: purple with a giant pair of red Ray-Ban sunglasses
National dance: the pancake
National sport: quiz bowl
It is illegal to have red highlighted hair unless you are me.
Doorbells are outlawed.
People with an IQ of less than 169 are to be extinguished. 
We are all about equality.
All animals and children are to be named after me.
Anything I ever want to buy is to be given to me free.
Car doors are banned.
Peas are outlawed.
Giving homework is a federal offense.
Green 1995 Buicks are the only kinds of cars allowed.
Minimum wage is $1,000 an hour.
Smallest country in the world.
Surprise adoption is the only acceptable form of having kids.
Anyone caught listening to Lady Gaga will be exiled with her on an island (now how do ya like her?).

Thunder.

I love thunder although at the same time it terrifies me. Like right now, it is 4:45 (despite what blogger says, usually it tells people that I am posting at 3 in the morning or something) and it is completely dark outside. Given that it's summer time thats unusual. Every couple of minutes an earth shaking boom will crack across the house. Its the kind that shake the house that are my favorite because it is like being on a roller coaster. A moment of shear terror and then you can enjoy the rain (you know, if you are on a roller coaster and it's raining... bad analogy). Although it isn't raining as of right now... but my professional forecasting skills say it will soon. OH it just started raining... snap I should be a weather lady. Anywho, I love thunder and thunderstorms (did you know that is one word... what?).